The Non-Adventures of Ark 3: ElBobo Never Dies
by Cojiro
Summary: Join Ark and Cojiro in adventures across Terranigma land. And keep quiet.
1. Default Chapter

The non-adventures of Ark

The non-adventures of Ark

Episode 3: Elbobo Never Dies

Scene 1:

(Snowy mountains)

(Ark is looking around the snow. He has a large backpack and skis on. His communicator starts to ring)

Ark: Hello? Hello? Stupid person, he's got his finger on the send button.

Cojiro: No I haven't you… anyway. Have you found the Democratic Allies Informative Silver yet?

Ark: Geez, I'm trying okay! 

Cojiro: Lousy, stupid…

Ark: Gah! This idiot couldn't do anything without me! Who is he, anyway?

(Ark saw something glitter in the snow)

Ark: Aha! (He holds it aloft. The Zelda 'finding an item' music plays) What the… what was that?

(He looks behind him. Link is there)

Ark: Link! What are you doing here?

Link: Oh Ark, won't you join my adventures… we'll have ever so much… fun…

Run Ark! It's a trap! Aghh!

(He gets shot)

Ark: Wheeaaghh! (Skis away. Men on skis follow him down the hill)

(The communicator buzzed loudly)

Ark: Yello?

Cojiro: Ark, could you pick me up some pizza on the way. Let's see, pepperoni, ham, bacon, everything except that fish everyone leaves off Pizzas… you know the ones, Ark?

Ark: Cojiro! Help! They're following me down a hill and.. aggh! They have guns!

Cojiro: Well that's just perfect. All you ever think about is you, you, you, running around using your tiny brain in a vague attempt to fathom what's going on… 

Ark: What the? Aha! I have a cunning idea. Almost too good to be true…

(He sees a large drop in-front of him. He skis towards it)

Man on skis: STOP! He'll never make it down alive!

(Ark jumps off the cliff. He falls for a while, then pulls a cord which opens a parachute with the British flag on. He glides safely down)

Title Song:

Enter song here 

Scene 2

(Cojiro's house)

Cojiro: So, you got it then, did ya, did ya?

Ark: Yes! Now will you stop impersonating a 1920's chimney sweep?

Cojiro: Ahem. Sorry. So you got the silver, then?

Ark: Yes indeedy.

(Long silence)

Ark: Right. But this appears to be only half the silver. Can you explain what's going on?

Cojiro: Well, you see… I store Britains supply of silver and gold at my house, and…

Ark: Why?

Cojiro: Umm… it's because… I'm the Prime Minister. Anyway, all the silver got stolen, and none of the gold. This left me wondering why someone would steal the (Ag) but not the (Au). 

Ark: I see. Wait a minute… Ag and Au… that almost sounds like Elbobo!

Cojiro: Now I must honestly say that is the weakest link I have ever seen. It's pitiful. Who writes this, anyways?

(Ark and Cojiro look around, suspiciously)

Ark: I propose we go to the 'Expensive Hotel' in California, where Elbobo is currently staying.

Cojiro: Great! We can take the new BMW!

Ark: !

Cojiro: I wish I could say that, but I can't. Let's go talk to Will.

Scene 3

(Will's hut)

Will: SOOOOO! It appears once again, my assistance is needed so you can build your flying machine…!

Ark: Umm.. no, that was you.

Will: …here is the ignition keys, take the silver one over there. My pilot Billy-Bob will fly you over to California.

Billy-Bob: Hi everybody!

Cojiro + Ark: Hi Billy-Bob.

Scene 4

(Inside plane)

Cojiro: This film… it's so sad…

Ark: What is it?

Cojiro: It's called 'The cat that never moves'. He just sits there… blinking…

Ark: Right. I'm going to go and see what the pilot is up to. I'm naturally curious, see.

(Ark enters pilots cabin and sees that there is no-one there)

Ark: REHRERGHHIGH!

Cojiro: Why are you rehrerghhigh'ing? What's up?

Ark: There's no pilot, and we're steadily heading towards that cliff!

Ark + Cojiro: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(Ark and Cojiro draw a deep breath)

Ark + Cojiro: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ark: With the screaming out of the way, let's pull back on this stick to make the plane increase in altitude.

Cojiro: Good idea.

(The plane safely makes it over the cliff)

Scene 5

(Ark + Cojiro arrive at 'The Expensive Hotel' in California)

Ark: Hi! Can you tell us where our good friend ElBobo is?

Woman at desk: Damn! It pains me that I am going to reveal ElBobo's secret hideout!

He's in lab 1F. Uh, I mean room 1F. Ha ha.

Ark: Right! Let's go! I'll stay in your room, Cojiro my main man.

Scene 6:

(Hotel sun deck/swimming pool area. ElBobo is playing cards)

Ark: I'll go over there. You walk around a bit. And act normal.

Cojiro: Couldn't do anything but.

(Ark sits down near ElBobo)

ElBobo: Er, could I have my usual seat?

SparroHawc: Sure. That can't possibly help you in any way. Even though you've beaten me every day.

ElBobo: What's the game?

SparroHawc: Five-card straight twist poker. 

ElBobo: Fine by me.

(Ark looks on)

Strange Man: Hello. In France, October's a winter month.

Ark: True. But we're in A-M-E-R-I-C-A.

Strange man: It's me, ZedPower.

Ark: Wow! Do you have any special gadgets for me?

Zed: No. This isn't a James Bond movie, you know.

(Very, very long silence. Someone coughs.)

Ark: …

Zed: Rrrrrrright. I have your assignment from Cojiro.

(Zed hands Ark the Cojiro Letter)

Ark: Hey, Zed. Who is Cojiro anyway? I mean, he knew all about me in my first adventure, and now he constantly follows me around.

Zed: (Scared) What do you mean? Cojiro is a… er…. Look over there! (Jumps away) Hynagh!

Ark: Surreal. What! Where's ElBobo gone?

(ElBobo has left his table)

Ark: I'd better go see Cojiro.

Scene 7

(Ark enters Cojiro's room. He sees Cojiro lying on the bed covered in a blue substance)

Ark: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Cojiro: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Ark: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Cojiro: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Ark: What?

Cojiro: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Ark: Cojiro, I thought you were…

Cojiro: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Ark: WILL YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Cojiro: W-w-w-w…. Well. Ark, I never… never. That's it. You're going on my enemy's list. (Gets out pad and writes something down) There. You're in for it now, Ark. Ha! Only kidding! Look what I really wrote! (Ark looks at the pad. It says 'I really like Ark!')

Ark: Oh God.

Cojiro: Now, let's have a good old screeching contest! Aghhhh!

Ark: Just hold it there. I got you're letter from Zed, but I haven't read it yet, so…

Cojiro: JUMP!

(Ark and Cojiro jump out of the room)

Ark: Well… that was interesting.

(Room blows up)

Ark: Cojiro! You saved my life! I owe you… wait… there was something I wanted to ask you… aha! Who the hell are you?

Cojiro: Alas, I knew this day would come… I won't lengthen this out, I'll just tell you straight away. It was 1966, when England were winning the world cup…

(Room blows up again)

Cojiro: (not seeing the room blow up) …was in my infancy, and you would think that a baby wouldn't have to dance with a racoon…

(Room explodes viciously)

Cojiro: (still not seeing the room explode) …seriously though, I like the English Patient. Very dull and very complex and very, very boring. It was my kind of film. I liked the piano too. Did you see Harvey Cortell running around in the nip? Ark? Ark?

(Ark is lying unconscious)

Cojiro: Oh crumbcakes.

Scene 8

(In England)

Ark: Wh-where am I?

Cojiro: You're in a hospital in the place you call London.

Ark: What do you call it?

Cojiro: New Snodberry County.

Ark: Gee… I must have been asleep for 7 years. Why are we in England?

Cojiro: While you were asleep, we found out that ElBobo was running his crime syndicate over here, trying to steal… a certain amount of goods.

Ark: What was he stealing?

Cojiro: No time for that! Let's go!

Scene 9

(ElBobo's hideout)

ElBobo: Well, now we have this Democratic Allies Informative Silver, we can go to this Cojiro's house and take the rest. Then we can build our Miscellaneous Machine!

Marti the cohort: What does it do sir?

ElBobo: Shut up! (shoots Marti)

Marti: Oh… I'm in quite a lot of pain… 

(ElBobo shoots Marti again)

Marti: Ow! Please could you get me some medical assistance right now…

(ElBobo shoots Marti again)

Marti: I'm okay… I just need urgent medical attention… if you will just press this button on my phone, I will… auag!!!!!!!!!

ElBobo: Finally. Now! To Cojiro's house!

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Batman style music accompanies a spinning picture of Cojiro and Ark

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Scene 10

(Cojiro's house)

Ark: What do we do.

Cojiro: We sit. And wait. Here have a sweet.

(Cojiro threw Ark the Explosive sweet)

Ark: Hey, this may come in handy if a certain situation arises.

Cojiro: Ark, what kind of a completely ludicrous situation would require some explosive candy? 

Ark: Yeah, you're right. 

(Throws candy away)

Cojiro: Anyway, Lisa says to me she says…

(Knock at the door)

Cojiro: Who is it?

Voice: It's… umm… Cherubae.

Ark: That doesn't sound like Cherubae. I'd better blow the door off with one of my time bombs.

(Ark blows up door)

Cherubae: Auag! Why! I just wanted to give you… this…

Ark: What's this? An s. bulb! Get with the times, baby!

(There is a very, very long silence. Tumbleweed blows by them. More silence. Someone coughs)

Ark: Right. Let's go back inside.

(They go inside. Immediately, there is a knock at the k-door)

Cojiro: Who is it?

Voice: ElBobo. Damn! I mean, uh! The breakfast man!

Ark: Ooh! Breakfast!

(Ark opens the door)

ElBobo: Hynagh! Fooled you!

(ElBobo punches Ark)

Cojiro: It's down to me…

****

Cojiro cast silence, level 17

ElBobo: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ElBobo is frozen solid)

Cojiro: I don't know why I never did that in the first place.

(Ark regained consciousness) 

Ark: Weehee! I did it!

Cojiro: Ark, you…

Ark: In your face you stupid ElBobo! You'll never bother anyone again!

Cojiro: And that's the end of that chapter.

Scene 11

(Ark's house)

Cojiro: So, Ark, did you learn anything today?

Ark: Yeah, the breakfast man is a loser!

Cojiro: Well, that isn't quite… oh well.

Ark: Oh yeah! I never read that letter ZedPower gave to me!

(Ark got out Cojiro Letter)

Ark: Oh no… oh no… oh no!

Cojiro: What does it say!

Ark: It says that ElBobo has a brother!

Cojiro: gasp Who?

Ark: His name is…. Terranigma Freak!

Both: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ark and Cojiro will return in 'The Freakening'!


	2. The Non-Adventures of Ark 2: Boredom is ...

Boredom is Forever

The non-adventures of Ark

Episode 2: Boredom is Forever

Scene 1

(Ark and Cojiro are in Ark's house in Loire)

Ark: Phew! That was an interesting and informative fight with the fake Dais. What do you think, Coj? I can call you Coj, right?

Cojiro: (Distant) No.

Ark: What's that you're reading? It's huge!

Cojiro: (looking up) It's '_The genealogy of the holy war_' by Terranigma Freak. It's class, is this. 

Ark: What's it about?

(Cojiro looks blank. Long silence.)

Ark: Anyway! I was thinking of writing a book myself. I want to do a travel journal, like that bloke. You know. The one I met in Louran? Hedyn. That's it, Hedyn. I was thinking of travelling all over the world in the quickest time possible. I was thinking I could do it in, oh, probably around 80 days.

Cojiro: That would be 80 days around the world then, would it?

Ark: Yeah. That's catchy, isn't it! But where do I start? I need a mode of transport. A quick kind of flying transport. I've got it! Come with me!

Scene 2

(Sanctuar)

Cojiro: Ark. I can see why you thought of this as a good place, but…

Ark: Ssshhh! I'm trying to attract this gull.

Cojiro: Ark. You're at least 18 times as heavy as that gull. It would die instantly the moment it left the ground.

Ark: Eh, either way…

Cojiro: May I make a more… clever suggestion? How about we go and see Will? He'll fix us up with a plane.

Ark: Nice thinking bro'! I can call you that, can't I?

Cojiro: No.

Scene 3

(Inside Will's house)

Will: SO! It appears now YOU need a favour from ME! Well, I don't see I owe you anything. After all, this plane was built solely by me. I don't recall any help I needed in getting the necessary metal to build it. Do you?

Ark: …(thinks) Well. Umm. There was that little event where I went to Yunkou to enquire about metal prices, and I got caught up in a scandal involving two brothers which involved me rescuing a princess and eventually being knocked unconscious by an explosion. Remember that?

Will: Well, I remember the bit with the metal…

Cojiro: Look, you gonna give us a plane or not? Because if you don't, I'll get very, very angry with you. And then you won't get a tip. Eh? What do you think of that, fly boy?

Will: Well, not much. You already paid me.

(Cojiro looks blank)

Cojiro: You're mistaken there, Willy.

Will: Look, here's the signed receipt of our transaction.

Cojiro: You could have got that anywhere.

Will: But the signed copy is in your pocket.

Cojiro: I see then! That's very convenient! …Now where's the plane?

Scene 4

(Ark and Cojiro enter Freedom town)

Ark: I can't tell you how good it feels to walk into a normal town again. Not like that Loire when fake Dais ruled it. shudder 

Cojiro: Yes, I agree. Now, if we raise our heads slightly, we should be able to see the town we love so much. WHAT!

(The town has been replaced by wooden shacks with tribesmen running around)

Ark: Maybe we should split up. We'll cover more ground that way. We'll meet up in that suspiciously large shack. You know, the one that says 'Leader lives here'.

Cojiro: Affirmative.

Ark: Meet up with you later, pal. I can call you pal, right?

Cojiro: No.

Scene 5

(Cojiro enters a strange clearing in the forest he was in)

Cojiro: This is mightily odd. (Turns to camera) You know, in a R.P.G., this would be the prime place for meeting another character and/or fighting him/her.

(silence)

Cojiro: Yup. But this is real life. Let's press on.

(A strange sound is heard from far off)

Cojiro: That sound… that could only be one thing. U.K.T.!

U.K.T.: WAAHAAHAAHAWAH! I am the U.K.T.! What are you going to do about it?

Cojiro: Well first, do you have hostile intent?

U.K.T.: Hostile intent?… You do know what my initials stand for, do you not? Ultimate Kick Thwapper! I'm on Wertigon's side! Hah! Those boredom kits will soon be deployed around the world…

Cojiro: Well that's just plum. I'm afraid I'll have to stop you there, Mr. Thwapper.

U.K.T.: What're you going to do?

****

Cojiro casts 'Silence' level 8!

U.K.T.: Ohh, I can't move!… I'll get you for this Cojiroooooo!

Scene 6

(Ark is about to enter the leader's hut)

Ark: Raindrops keep falling on my head… but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red…. Da da da de de…

Voice: WHAT? What is that infernal racket?

Ark: ?(goes inside, humming tune) Heylo? Anybody home?

Voice: Ah! Ark! I knew you'd come.

(Ark stifles a snigger)

Voice: Ahem! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the all singing, all dancing, overlord of all salesmen! Wertigon!!!

Ark: _Gasp!_ … Raindrops keep falling on my head…

Wertigon: I'd have thought you'd have been more shocked than that…

Ark: Oh, I am, I am. I just know the program now. You'll have some scheme. Am I right?

Wertigon: Well, no, actually! I have no scheme. I do, however, have a plan. (Lights darken) I will fill the world with boredom. That is my plan. When everyone's bored, they won't care less when I use all their computers to work on 'PROJECT ONLINE!'™.

Ark: _Gasp! Gasp!_ How do you plan to do that, then?

Wertigon: Easy! I will use my patented Boredom Kits™! They are self unpacking and they are 97% guaranteed to make you bored! The only problem is… I once new a person. He had the power to make boredom kits. He called his, Boredom Extravaganza packs™. They were sigh more powerful than mine… But that won't stop me now! The U.K.T. is spreading them as we speak!

Ark: !!!… Raindrops keep falling…

Scene 7

(Cojiro is going through the shacks to find Ark)

Cojiro: He'd better be in this one! 

(Opens door)

Cojiro: Wow! Cherubae!

Cherubae: And that concludes my notes for my speech on world peace. Cojiro! What are you doing here?

Cojiro: I came to rescue Ark from U.K.T. and boredom kits are being spread by Wertigon so he can work on 'project online'™!

Cherubae: …Cojiro being on the Message board. Me being in Freedom. Freedom being in Terranigma. Cojiro conversing with Ark. Ark being fictional. Oh dear… my head… I feel…

Cojiro: Faint?

(Cherubae faints)

Scene 8

Ark: Wertigon you… you… (turns away) Bleah to you!

Wertigon: Maybe you should deal with my small sidekick. BeamCauldron! Enter!

BC: Hmm. This really wasn't what I expected from a fanfic. It's just like the one's Dais did!

Wertigon: Sure, that's fine. Now get him!

BC: Instead of 'getting' people, can't I lecture them? You know, lecture them in successful writing?

Wertigon: sigh Just get him will you?

BC: But what is 'getting' in this modern world. That gives me an idea for a fanfic! Hold that thought everybody!

(BeamCauldron runs away)

Wertigon: Never the less, I can still bore you so you couldn't care less about me! I'm sending out my Boredom Kit™, version 4.0!

(Wertigon throws boredom kit, but it hangs in mid air)

Wertigon: What the…?

(James Bond music starts. Cojiro smashes through the wall in a tank)

Cojiro: Hah! I'm using my powers as a boredom type person to hold him back! Ark! I spoke to Cher, this isn't the real Wertigon!

Ark: Well, duh.

(Ark and Cojiro beat up fake Wertigon)

Fake Wertigon: Nooooooo! My life! Help me…. Someone. dies 

(Wertigon descends from the ceiling, Princess Peach style)

Wertigon: Thanks Ark and Coj! I can call you Coj, right.

Cojiro: Sure!

(Ark grumbles)

Scene 9

(In Ark's house in Loire)

Ark: So, you ever work out what T Freak's book was about?

Cojiro: Yeah! It's pretty cool. It's about Ark stuck in FE4!

(Silence)

Ark: But that's… me. Why would someone write about me?

Cojiro: Yeah, only losers write about game people in comic situations. Umm. Okay. So, get anywhere with your book?

Ark: No. I never got the plane, see.

Cojiro: Classic. Well, I guess that's the end of our wacky and crazy adventures. I wonder what will happen to us next?

Ark: Yeah… Raindrops keep falling on my head…

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Copyright notes:

Boredom Kit™ and Project Online™ are ® of Wertigon. Boredom Extravaganza kit™ is a ® of Cojiro. Wertigon © and Cojiro © are copyrighted trademarks. 


End file.
